Bellspeak

Bell-Speak: an Interpretation

By “Oddstruck”

1. “They go very well, all things considered”
Translation: Considering the bearings are oval, the frame moves in three different ways and the tower shakes in a gentle breeze.

2. “I was struck by the unique tonal qualities of these bells”
Translation: They sound like 5 dustbins and a tin bath being hit by wooden mallets.

3. “The local band are very keen”
Translation: But just a little short on ability.

4. “Do we have a band for London?”
Translation: Tower captain trying to show off in front of a visitor

5. “Listen to the striking!”
Translation: I know someone is clipping but I’ll be blowed if I know who.

6. “Let’s all make a real effort to be here on time next Sunday.”
Translation: I’m fed up with pulling all 6 bells up on my own then not getting a ring
when you lot turn up 10 minutes before service.

7. “The band were not quite up to the method.
Translation: We had 10 minutes of passable ‘firing’ before deciding to ring Plain Bob

8. “A brave attempt” (at a striking competition).
Translation: Were they trying to ring call changes, plain hunt or rounds?.

9. “We are a friendly band here.”
Translation: Just don’t expect much from the ringing

10. “The conductor got a little over-exited”
He was jumping up and down on his box, waving both arms, shouting himself hoarse and still the half-wit on the 2nd wouldn’t make places in 5-6.

11. “The vicar is very keen on having the bells rung as much as possible”.
Translation: He lives in the next village and likes to annoy the churchwarden who lives next door to the church and hates the sound of bells.

the Perfect Tower Captain

The Perfect Tower Captain

Adapted from an original idea by
‘Oddstruck’

A recent survey asked for all the qualities people expect from their Tower Captain and fed them into a computer. The results show that the perfect Tower Captain:
Is 28 years old, tall, slim, athletic, always willing to catch hold for the less popular touches, can sort out ‘fire-ups’ in a trice, condemns poor striking and sloppy handling but NEVER upsets anyone.
Works tirelessly to recruit and train ringers, maintains the bells, can splice ropes effortlessly, drives a 7-seater to be able to give lifts to most of the band to meetings and always donates his wedding fee to the bell fund.
Is a person of limitless patience, gentleness, kindness and tact but is also a strong, vigorous and decisive leader who is never drawn into belfry squabbles.
Has a natural rapport with the teenage members of the band, but is always very patient with the ‘mature’ learners.
Spends much of the week organising extra ringing and quarter peals, chasing absent members and organising social events but is always available when any of the band phone or visit.
Is a competent but modest ringer, well known nationally but who always has time for the local association, who inspires and enthuses the rest of the band, a capable administrator, fund-raising genius and a d-i-y expert.

DOES YOUR TOWER CAPTAIN MEASURE UP?

If not, simply send this article to six other bands who are tired of their tower captain too. Then bundle up your tower captain and send him to the tower at the top of the list. In one week you will receive 1653 Tower Captains in return and at least one of these should be perfect!
Have faith in this article.
One Tower broke the chain and got their old captain back in less than 3 weeks!

The Final Extent