“Stand!”
By
“Oddstruck

No-one like giving up once a peal has started, especially when you are conducting. Usually the conductor, like the rest of the band, is determined to see it through to the end, no matter how tough it gets. But sometimes, however well you have prepared and however long you have trained , it is just no good; you cannot carry on and have to stop. The arms will not pull any more, the legs feel like jelly and the brain has turned to cotton wool. Of course you do not want to admit this physical weakness to the rest of the band after you have called “Stand” so you have to came up with some plausible excuse for setting the peal up. You could follow the example of the famous politician who was reputed to have said ‘never apologise, never explain’ , but this is not likely to gain the forgiveness or understanding of the rest of the band. Below is a list of excuses which might (no guarantees though!) save you from having to buy the beer for the next month……………..

1. I think I’ve left my car lights on.
2. My bra strap is cutting into me every backstroke. (Ladies only!)
3. I’ve been calling the wrong composition and it won’t work with this method.
4. I’m bored with this method – let’s ring something else.
5. It should have come round at the last lead - I wonder what went wrong?
6. The pubs are open and it’s getting hot in here.
7. The ringer of the 7th keeps giving me funny looks; I think it is because I ran out of deodorant this morning
8. We forgot to take the chiming hammers off and the hour is about to strike.
9. I can’t take any more – the ringer of the second has low cut trousers and a crop top – my blood pressure is rising!
10. I’m getting desperate; I thought it would fire out before now so I had 3 pints at lunchtime!

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