Bellspeak

Bell-Speak: an Interpretation

By “Oddstruck”

1. “They go very well, all things considered”
Translation: Considering the bearings are oval, the frame moves in three different ways and the tower shakes in a gentle breeze.

2. “I was struck by the unique tonal qualities of these bells”
Translation: They sound like 5 dustbins and a tin bath being hit by wooden mallets.

3. “The local band are very keen”
Translation: But just a little short on ability.

4. “Do we have a band for London?”
Translation: Tower captain trying to show off in front of a visitor

5. “Listen to the striking!”
Translation: I know someone is clipping but I’ll be blowed if I know who.

6. “Let’s all make a real effort to be here on time next Sunday.”
Translation: I’m fed up with pulling all 6 bells up on my own then not getting a ring
when you lot turn up 10 minutes before service.

7. “The band were not quite up to the method.
Translation: We had 10 minutes of passable ‘firing’ before deciding to ring Plain Bob

8. “A brave attempt” (at a striking competition).
Translation: Were they trying to ring call changes, plain hunt or rounds?.

9. “We are a friendly band here.”
Translation: Just don’t expect much from the ringing

10. “The conductor got a little over-exited”
He was jumping up and down on his box, waving both arms, shouting himself hoarse and still the half-wit on the 2nd wouldn’t make places in 5-6.

11. “The vicar is very keen on having the bells rung as much as possible”.
Translation: He lives in the next village and likes to annoy the churchwarden who lives next door to the church and hates the sound of bells.

the Perfect Tower Captain

The Perfect Tower Captain

Adapted from an original idea by
‘Oddstruck’

A recent survey asked for all the qualities people expect from their Tower Captain and fed them into a computer. The results show that the perfect Tower Captain:
Is 28 years old, tall, slim, athletic, always willing to catch hold for the less popular touches, can sort out ‘fire-ups’ in a trice, condemns poor striking and sloppy handling but NEVER upsets anyone.
Works tirelessly to recruit and train ringers, maintains the bells, can splice ropes effortlessly, drives a 7-seater to be able to give lifts to most of the band to meetings and always donates his wedding fee to the bell fund.
Is a person of limitless patience, gentleness, kindness and tact but is also a strong, vigorous and decisive leader who is never drawn into belfry squabbles.
Has a natural rapport with the teenage members of the band, but is always very patient with the ‘mature’ learners.
Spends much of the week organising extra ringing and quarter peals, chasing absent members and organising social events but is always available when any of the band phone or visit.
Is a competent but modest ringer, well known nationally but who always has time for the local association, who inspires and enthuses the rest of the band, a capable administrator, fund-raising genius and a d-i-y expert.

DOES YOUR TOWER CAPTAIN MEASURE UP?

If not, simply send this article to six other bands who are tired of their tower captain too. Then bundle up your tower captain and send him to the tower at the top of the list. In one week you will receive 1653 Tower Captains in return and at least one of these should be perfect!
Have faith in this article.
One Tower broke the chain and got their old captain back in less than 3 weeks!

The Final Extent

“Stand!”
By
“Oddstruck

No-one like giving up once a peal has started, especially when you are conducting. Usually the conductor, like the rest of the band, is determined to see it through to the end, no matter how tough it gets. But sometimes, however well you have prepared and however long you have trained , it is just no good; you cannot carry on and have to stop. The arms will not pull any more, the legs feel like jelly and the brain has turned to cotton wool. Of course you do not want to admit this physical weakness to the rest of the band after you have called “Stand” so you have to came up with some plausible excuse for setting the peal up. You could follow the example of the famous politician who was reputed to have said ‘never apologise, never explain’ , but this is not likely to gain the forgiveness or understanding of the rest of the band. Below is a list of excuses which might (no guarantees though!) save you from having to buy the beer for the next month……………..

1. I think I’ve left my car lights on.
2. My bra strap is cutting into me every backstroke. (Ladies only!)
3. I’ve been calling the wrong composition and it won’t work with this method.
4. I’m bored with this method – let’s ring something else.
5. It should have come round at the last lead - I wonder what went wrong?
6. The pubs are open and it’s getting hot in here.
7. The ringer of the 7th keeps giving me funny looks; I think it is because I ran out of deodorant this morning
8. We forgot to take the chiming hammers off and the hour is about to strike.
9. I can’t take any more – the ringer of the second has low cut trousers and a crop top – my blood pressure is rising!
10. I’m getting desperate; I thought it would fire out before now so I had 3 pints at lunchtime!

”

A Saturday at Home

It was Saturday and the Eminent Ringer was in a Bad Mood, having been obliged to look after the Four Year Old instead of ringing the customary peal or two. By mid-afternoon the Four Year Old was still going strong, but the Eminent Ringer was bored and fed up. An attempt to learn the new Maximus method for the following day had failed when the Four Year Old had asked for help laying out the train set. When that was done, and hoping the FYO would be occupied for a while, the Eminent Ringer had escaped to the computer in the corner of the room and attempted to use ABEL, but after five minutes the FYO had seen the computer was in use and had demanded to  play a game on it. Half an hour of CBeebies games was enough. Time for a more traditional occupation.

“Come and sit on the settee with me and I’ll tell you a story,”

The FYO obligingly logged off the computer , scrambled onto the settee and cuddled up to the Eminent Ringer.

“Once upon a time there were Three B…..” the ER started

“Bears,” groaned the FYO. “I know this one. It’s BORING.”

“That is NOT what I was going to say,” said the ER, deciding hastily to change horses in mid-stream. “Please don’t interrupt. Once upon a time there were three… er.. Bellringers, and they all rang at a lovely three-bell tower in the country.”

“I thought you always said that ringing on less than 8 bells was a complete waste of time and that three bell towers should have their bells compulsorily re-allocated to other churches?”

The ER couldn’t answer this, so continued: “There was a Big Bell Ringer who rang the Big Tenor Bell, a Medium-sized Bell Ringer who rang the Middle Bell, and a Junior Bell Ringer who rang the Treble Bell. They went to the church one day and rang the bells up, then decided to go for a walk.”

“But they should not have left the bells up!” The FYO was horrified. “Why did they want to go for a walk, anyway, when they had just got the bells up?”

“I really don’t know. Perhaps they wanted to go and get some be…er sweets. Don’t interrupt. Anyway a few minutes after they had left a little girl came into the church. Her name was…”

“Goldilocks?” suggested the FYO.

“No of course it wasn’t!” snapped the ER. “Whoever heard of anyone being called ‘Goldilocks?’ Her name was..um..Mary. She saw the bellropes hanging down and decided to try to ring them. First she tried the Big Tenor Bell. The rope was stiff and the sally was thin and hard, but after some effort she managed to pull it off at handstroke. Unfortunatey she pulled it too hard and it set at backstroke, and she couldn’t reach the tail end.”

“Why didn’t she use a box?” the FYO asked. “You always say that it’s much better to use a box rather than clip every backstroke like that useless pr…”

“There wasn’t a box,” the ER said hastily (resolving not to make quite so many comments in front of the FYO in future). The Big Bell Ringer had the rope just the right length for him and no-one else rang that bell. Yes I know that is not very fair (seeing the FYO’s mouth was opening for another interruption) but that is the trouble with three bell towers. Too traditional. Anyway Gol… er Mary left the Tenor Bell and moved on to the Middle Bell. This was quite a difficult bell to ring; the sally was too thick and fluffy for Mary to grip properly, the rope was too long and the bell was very flighty.After a couple of pulls Mary missed the sally and the bell rang itself down. As she didn’t know how to ring a bell up….”

“Well she was not much of a ringer then!” exclaimed the FYO. “You have always said it’s a poor ringer who can’t raise their own bell.”

“Quite,” said the ER, wishing that the FYO were not quite so precocious. “But she couldn’t, so she moved onto the Treble Bell. This was a lovely little bell, the rope was just the right length and Mary had no problem with it at all. She rang away quite happily for nearly ten minutes, when all of a sudden the rope broke.”
“Poor steeple-keeping,” tutted the FYO. “Why hadn’t they been checked?”

“Because they hadn’t. Like last week at St….”. The ER broke off abruptly, remembering that Little Pitchers had  Big Ears (and Good Memories).

“Mary was just looking at the broken rope around her feet and still had hold of the sally when the Three Bellringers returned from the pu…er from their walk. They saw the Tenor Bell set at backstroke, and the Middle Bell still swinging gently, and finally Mary holding the broken treble rope. ‘Someone’s been ringing MY bell!’ they all shouted out together. ‘What do you think you are doing, breaking our bells like that?’ Mary explained that the bells were not really broken; she just could not reach the tailend, could not ring a bell up, and that someone should really have noticed that the treble rope was getting worn and needed splicing. The Big Tenor Ringer looked a bit guilty and admitted that he should have checked. ‘But why were you ringing the bells in the first place?’ he asked her. ‘Because they won’t let me ring at the church near me –they say I can’t because I am too young, and a girl! But I taught myself to handle a bell when no-one was around and wanted to try some different bells. And we only have two bells at my church anyway, and usually one person chimes both of them. Please, can’t I join your band?’

The Big Tenor Ringer considered. ‘I have an idea’, he said. ‘There is an empty pit in the belfry. We could add another bell, and then there would be one for you. Then we could ring Bob Minimus – we really are getting a bit fed up with ringing Singles.’ He had also noticed that Mary was very pretty with long golden curls and that the Junior Ringer was looking at her in a very interested way.

And so they did and rang Bob Minimus Happily Ever After. The End.”

The ER suddenly realised that there had been no interruptions for at least three minutes, and looking down found that the FYO was fast asleep. Although a bit peeved that no-one had been listening to the end of the story, the ER reflected that at least there was now a few minutes peace to learn that new Maximus method for the next day….